Depression Diaries – June 16

How am I in a worse position now than I was six months ago? Reality.

More than a month ago, I sat in therapy and listened to a lecture about how to make my situation worse by always planning for the worst-case scenario. I was told that I needed to believe that good will come in order to help my mood and my demeanour.

Really?

Just think good things will happen and they will?

Well if it was that fucking simple, why has my personal situation continued to spiral since then?

Fuck

Fuck

Fucking shit.

Depression Diaries – June 14

I like to think that if I had people around I would be happier. The truth is, however, that’s a futile attempt to believe that I can be happier. I’ve come to the realization that I rely too heavily on others to distract me from the fact that I’m depressed. No one is going to fix this for me. I’m not even sure this feeling can be fixed.

Every time I feel that I have something good happen, the moment is fleeting. It’s hard to appreciate anything good when I am so incredibly sad.

Today, I woke up at 11:30 am, which if I am being completely honest, has been early for me to wake up lately. I then went back to bed at 2:00 pm and slept until 9:00 pm. Then I woke up and ate a hamburger and watched the movie Hustle. now it’s midnight and like… what do I do?

So many people have been telling me lately that it’s time I decide what I want to do with my life. It’s funny (not funny, but a figure of speech) that when others have been through their mid-life, or millennial life crises, I’ve been supportive, and when I go through it, I’m told I am lazy, or unrealistic about the world.

It would be nice if my mom would just tell me that she believed in me, instead of how much of a mess I’m making of my life.

It would be nice if I could feel like I was able to accomplish anything without wondering when this fucking court mess will be wrapped up.

It would be nice if I just felt like I was home. Like I belonged. Like I had a place in this world where I was welcome.

Instead, I just feel like I’ve been wandering aimlessly for years and years and years. Trying to find my path. Maybe I’m not meant for a path. Maybe some people are just always lost. Maybe this is just how I get to feel.

I know that I’m particularly sad tonight. I’m aware that tonight has been particularly harder than the past few weeks. I know that I’m going to disappoint a lot of people. I’m scared to hear their judgements.

I don’t even know what I’m talking about right now. It’s 12:23 in the morning and I’m just laying here, in tears, again. I hate this feeling. I just want to feel normal. I just want to be normal. Why am I not normal?

“You’re always going to run into bosses you don’t like.”

Yeah, I know this. I’m not an idiot. But thanks for the twenty-minute lecture that followed.

Monday, Monday, Monday.

I had a job interview today. It was with a law firm looking for someone to take over their marketing initiatives to grow their presence.

The woman interviewing me loved me. She was the Business Development Director and she was so, so, so communicative and down-to-earth. When she asked me why I applied for this job, I told her it was because I love the television show Suits and that I wanted to see what the legal world was like from the inside.

She laughed and was like ‘Oh, girl you’re hilarious’. (Not a bad job faking it from a girl who has been dealing with severe depression for eight months)

We chatted for forty minutes, at the end of which she asked if I could add a few extra lines to my resume and send it back to her before she presented it to the Senior Partners.

She said that I have such a light-hearted personality that I am just the kind of person they need around the office and she’s going to recommend the Partners interview with me. (Again, not a bad job faking it from a girl who has been dealing with severe depression for eight months. Pat myself on the back for being such a good faker)

After all the legal woes I’ve been dealing with for the past eight months, wouldn’t it be a weird coincidence if the Universe landed me in marketing for a top Canadian law firm? What I absolutely need right now is to make good friends with some legal geniuses.

I didn’t accept the job offer that I got (that I spoke of last week). I decided it wasn’t right for me at this stage of my life. This job, I won’t lie, I’m interested in it. It’s not in the right city, but if it’s a good fight, I might consider it.

If you feel up for it, send some positivity to the universe for me that I find my way to the right place.

Depression Diaries – June 10

I had a job interview today.

I put on makeup for the job interview.

The interview was at 1:30 pacific. The woman showed up nine minutes late.

Why did I wait nine minutes? This was a job that I actually wanted.

How long did the interview last once she finally did show up? Well, she spent 6 minutes complaining about all of the fires she had to put out today, and proclaiming that’s why she was late. Following her complaints, there was an 8 minute discussion about ourselves. She didn’t ask me a single question about skills and qualifications. She didn’t ask me about my work preference. She didn’t ask me anything.

How incredibly unprofessional.

Then, she said she was out of questions and so she was going to the discussion there.

I said “Thank you for your time, I no longer wish to be considered for this position.”

She took offense to my withdrawing from consideration.

She showed up late. She didn’t ask me a single fucking question about myself. She ensure the entire interview was fourteen minutes in total and then she said she wanted to go. She was the unprofessional idiot wasting my time, and she gets to take offense at my not wanting to work for her?

On paper, this job looked amazing.

I’d viewed this company website and it had looked great.

Their senior director, however, is not someone I need or want in my life right now. I don’t have the time, patience or energy for laziness, unprofessionalism and stupidity.

What a giant fucking waste of my time and energy.

I’m going back to bed.

Moving Diaries

I sold my Nespresso today. I sold it for $50 more dollars than I paid for it.

I didn’t want to sell my Nespresso. I LOVE coffee.

But, it’s big and bulky and I didn’t want to move it. So, I needed to get rid of it. I didn’t expect someone to purchase it for so much, so fast.

I also sold my air fryer.

I also sold my blender.

My extra blankets/bedding are presently for sale, as well as my dishes. I don’t really have/own anything overly fancy. I just take really good care of the things that I do have, so I’m managing to sell most of my stuff for what I paid for it, or a little more. (This also works out well since I only tend to purchase new things if they are on sale)

Anyways, the downside to selling all my stuff is that I won’t have much to use for the rest of the month. The upside is that I have money to pay my bills this month. Now I just need to get famous on medium.com and make that my full-time job. har har. Actually, I’m not doing too bad on medium. It would be nice if I could figure out how to do it better without clickbait. I hate clickbait.

Depression Diaries

I don’t have a plan, but I still don’t care.

I don’t know how to pay my bills, but I still don’t care.

I just don’t care.

It’s 1:30 am and I’m very tired, but I don’t want to go to sleep. I know that when I wake up tomorrow, there’ll be more things I just don’t care about.

I have four missed calls in the past 12 hours. I could’ve answered every one of them, I just didn’t want to, because I just don’t care.

I feel as though if I were wealthy, dealing with the things causing my depression would be a lot easier. Right now, I’m so focussed on money that I can’t focus on my depression. The catch 22 is that I am so focussed on trying not to be depressed about the money that I just am not focussing on anything.

Money can’t solve all of my problems, I know that. But if money made some of the problems going away, I probably would be more willing to face the others.

I haven’t left my house in a while. I’ve become a shun-in. What’s the point in going out when the universe is so exhausting? I could simply stay home and not have to deal with the shit the world throws.

My computer has ten percent battery left. The charger is on the kitchen counter and I am in my bedroom. So, perhaps the universe is telling me I need to just go to bed. It’s more than likely I just open my phone and use that for a few hours. Sleep is overrated. I just want to wallow.

Depression.

I didn’t wake up until 1:30 pm on Sunday.

I wasn’t tired. Not a sleepy tired, anyway. I just didn’t feel like facing the world. My blinds were closed, my bedroom door was locked, my phone was dead and I just really didn’t feel like moving.

These days I feel as though all of the energy has been drained from my body. Walking upstairs seems like an arduous task. Doing simple things like going to the grocery store has become something I need to hype myself up all week for.

My mom keeps asking me what’s wrong, and telling me that I just need to be happier. I know she doesn’t really understand what this feeling is, so I am trying to not hold it against her. It’s hard to explain it to people. It’s hard to try and make someone understand. If I could just be happy, I would.

I’ve been wearing the same clothes for three days. Is that gross? Possibly. I haven’t done anything or been anywhere, though. Changing my clothes just seems like an unnecessary task when all I do is lay on the couch.

I have showered. I didn’t want to. But I did it.

I’ve had this headache for about 7 months now that I just cannot shake. It’s there when I go to sleep, it’s there when I wake up. It’s just always there.

My best friend has had some incredible things happen in her life in the past few weeks and I’ve really struggled with it. I want to be happy for her, I want to celebrate with her, I want to hype her up and be that best friend I am supposed to be. I just feel… indifferent. Instead of feeling the joy of seeing my best friend succeed, I am feeling nothing. Nothing at all. That sucks.

I haven’t been eating well. I know I should be eating better, but I just… don’t care. I’d rather eat potato chips than a balanced meal right now.

I need to start packing. I need to move out of this place at the end of the month. Do I care? Not really. I’m probably going to pack everything on June 29th.

I’ve been looking for a job and I just… can’t be bothered to deal with the bullshit recruiters are spewing. “Hey Vee, book a time in my calendar”. No thanks. If you’re interested in hiring me, you can book a time in my calendar, bitch. “Hey Vee, can you please submit a video of yourself speaking so that we can judge your verbal communication skills.” No thanks. If you’d like to judge my verbal communication skills for a job where verbal communication skills are not needed then pick up your fucking phone and call me. “Hey Vee, take our aptitude test. It should take 30 mins.” No thanks. As one of 130 people who applied for this position, I have zero desire to waste 30 minutes of my life until after you prove I’ve been shortlisted to a much smaller candidate pool. You want me to invest in you? Give me a reason.

It’s 1:00 am right now and I have zero desire to go to bed. That’s possibly because I’ve been up less than 12 hours, but more likely just because if I go to sleep then I have to wake up and deal with the universe again tomorrow.

When someone asks me if I am okay, I tell them I am. Truthfully, I am okay. I just hate my present situation. I’m pretty resilient and I know this will pass, but I just need time to stew in misery. I just need to be able to acknowledge that shit sucks. I just need time. That and money. But that’s true of everyone.

I haven’t done the dishes. Why bother? Just grab another plate from the cupboard and deal with the full sink another time. This is weird for me because I’m normally a very clean person. But I’ve been looking at the mess lately and I just don’t care. The mess will still be there tomorrow. My trash will still smell like rotten food tomorrow. Things are just things. Clean. Dirty. Who cares?

People need to stop telling me they’re worried about me. Of all things in this life, giving up is not something I am capable of. I just need… time. I need time to sit and stew. I need the freedom to be able to be honest about what it’s really like living with depression. I need to just sink into the couch like it’s a pile of quicksand and stay there.

I don’t want to put on makeup. I don’t want to put on a bra. I don’t want to answer my phone. I don’t want to deal with someone else’s issues, I’ve got too many of my own. I don’t want to eat. I don’t want to sleep. I don’t want to… do anything.

I don’t have any tolerance for bullshit. I don’t have any desire to ‘be there’ for someone right now. There’s no way I can be there for someone else when I cannot even be there for myself.

Depression hits different.

Life, lately.

Well, court didn’t work out the way that I wanted it to.

I think that my lawyer finally understood the extent of what I’ve been dealing with shortly before court the other morning. I’m not sure if he didn’t believe me, or if he just tried to ignore what I was sharing to not be involved. Regardless, he saw it on full display on Thursday morning and he finally, truly understands.

In other news, my house sold. It actually was the third set of people to look at the house last weekend that wound up putting in an offer. Pending the lawyers/banks all signing on the right dotted lines, someone will take possession of this house shortly after I move out. One less thing for me to worry about, having strangers wander through my space. One less thing for my landlord to worry about, owning this house. One less thing to remember about 2022.

Lately, I’ve been thinking about how for a really long time in my life I put up with shitty treatment because I believed that if I was a better person, people might treat me better. The truth is, that’s probably one of my most toxic traits – thinking it’s my own fault that someone doesn’t treat me right. Being treated poorly is not a reflection of yourself, it’s a reflection of the individual treating you like shit. Furthermore, being treated properly is not too much to ask for. Actually, it should be the bare minimum provided to you. THE BARE MINIMUM.

My brother spent a few days here with me last week. One of the things that he said to me while he was here really surprised me. He told me that I was the most protective person he’s ever known. He told me that ever since he can remember, I’ve been the one fixing things for him, for all of my brothers and for our whole family. He said if shit ever hit the fan in his life, he’d be calling me because he knows that no matter how bad the world might seem, I will always approach every situation with the sense of calm and logic needed to solve anything. We actually talked for a few hours one night and he brought up some many memories from when we were kids that I’d forgotten all about – times he said I fixed things, times he said that he knew I would come to the rescue without even needing to be asked.

This whole conversation came about because I’ve been so quiet with friends and family about what I’ve been going through. He says he thinks my desire to fix things it’s both my greatest strength, and my greatest weakness – strength because I never back down, no matter how hard things get, and weakness because I walk through this life believing I have to do everything on my own.

I guess he’s not wrong. I have had some incredible friends listening to every horror I’ve been through. But, so far as facing this, I’ve largely been doing it on my own. Who knows, maybe there is someone out there who wants to help. Maybe one day. I guess I should be more open to people. It’s just hard right now.

Anyways.

I’m spending the rest of my weekend looking for a new job. Hopefully I can find one that takes a little less brainpower than what I was doing last time. But, hopefully it is a job that offers me enough money to be able to pay my bills. Cross your fingers for me.

Dealt another blow.

I waited in court this morning for one hour and eighteen minutes.

It took one hour and eighteen minutes for the Justice to announce they would not hear my case and that they believed it to have been filed in the wrong court.

My lawyer kindly suggested that the Justice was able to rule within this court on the case, however the Justice said she would not speak on the case at all.

Back to the drawing board with this.

Apparently we will need to file in a different court.

Apparently more legal bills are coming.

Apparently nothing is being solved any time soon. My lawyer suggested this could be another month or two, now.