Because job hunting can never be boring.
Recruiter: Why did you apply for a job with us?
What I said: I have heard great things about your agency and wanted to further my career by joining your talented team of strategists.
What I wanted to say: Because I like money and you pay money in exchange for work.
Recruiter: So where do we fit into your career plans?
What I said: The fact that your company markets and ships internationally would allow me to better grow my understanding of how different cultures affect what marketing tactics are needed. I would love the opportunity to grow and thrive in a truly international scaled business.
What I wanted to say: Since I was a little girl, it’s always been a dream of mine to sell industrial valves and gaskets.
Recruiter: I think that you would love working here. We’re all so close, it’s like working in a big family.
What I said: Terrific! I love the sound of that!
What I wanted to say: I’m so sorry! I just threw up a little in my mouth when I heard that.
Recruiter: Salary is dependent on experience.
What I said: So, based on my experience, what would you provide in salary?
Recruiter: We can definitely have a conversation about that at a later date?
What I wanted to say: Why are you so afraid to provide the truth about what you’re willing to pay for this position? Is the salary shit?
Recruiter: Culture is important to us.
What I said: Oh for me too!
What I wanted to say: I totally get it. Managers love control, and if a candidate looks like they can be easily controlled, I’m sure they’re way more attractive as a candidate than such a strong-willed, smart-ass like me.
Recruiter: So, we really think you’re fantastic, but unfortunately you don’t have the professional experience necessary to fill this role.
What I said: I totally get it, thank you so much for your time and keep me in mind when you’re looking for people in future, please!
What I wanted to say: You’ve had my resume for two and a half weeks. At no point in that time did you actually consider reading my resume to see how many years of professional experience I have? Could’ve saved us a lot of fucking time, no?
Recruiter: We’ll be in touch.
What I said: Fantastic! When do you think?
Recruiter: We’ll be in touch when we’re ready?
What I said: When?
Recruiter: We’ll have to work through some things and look at the paperwork and we’ll be in touch.
What I wanted to say: So… never?
Recruiter: Can you tell us your greatest weakness?
What I said: Well, I could, but given this is a job interview and I’m trying to impress you, that wouldn’t be very smart.
Recruiter: We won’t hold it against you.
What I wanted to say: Then why are you asking?
Recruiter: You seem under-qualified for this role.
What I said: What I lack in qualifications I make up for in a willingness to learn and a passion to work hard.
What I wanted to say: Then why are you wasting my time?
Recruiter: You seem overqualified for this role.
What I said: Well thank you for saying that. I work hard.
What I wanted to say: I am. You better hire me quick before I find someone who truly values my worth.