Depression Diaries – June 16

How am I in a worse position now than I was six months ago? Reality.

More than a month ago, I sat in therapy and listened to a lecture about how to make my situation worse by always planning for the worst-case scenario. I was told that I needed to believe that good will come in order to help my mood and my demeanour.

Really?

Just think good things will happen and they will?

Well if it was that fucking simple, why has my personal situation continued to spiral since then?

Fuck

Fuck

Fucking shit.

18 thoughts on “Depression Diaries – June 16

  1. Have you tried to accept the emotions you carry? Crying, anger, confused. Etc… you are a really good writer. Use your writing to write down every single thing is bothering you and why. Then why is that. Kind of like “the train of thought”, it keeps going until you reach the tail end of it. I hope you are okay. Stay Shining. 💫

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I have been owning the emotions I’m dealing with. The problem with things working through the legal system right now is that I’m not supposed to/allowed to talk about them until it’s all dealt with, sadly. I wish I could write it all down and then leave it. For now, the only person who knows everything is my therapist. she’s big into the whole – I’m making it worse for myself scenario lately. Thank you for your comment, I hope that one day I can write it all out. I’d be too scared to even put it in a notebook and have someone find it with my moving so soon.

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  2. Yes, I’ve heard that theory. “You create your own reality”. Horseshit. Maybe some people do. Many of us have our lives fucked up for us, without our consent, so don’t let anyone persuade you of that retarded argument. Sure, it helps to be positive but try doing that when people are shitting all over you. Turn the other cheek. Fuck that too. It’s not like you can erase everything and start fresh. That would be so nice but what are you supposed to do with all the baggage someone else attached to you. OK, you can maybe convince yourself to drop the emotional baggage but often it’s a lot more real than emotion. Oh dear, Vee. Just don’t give the fuckers the satisfaction.

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      1. You don’t know how many times I’ve wished just that. Some people seem to get so many more “experiences” than others. Supposed to make us stronger but boy does it get tiring. Hang in. Any day now you’ll be out of that ditch…

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  3. I’ve been following you for a while and as someone who has depression and spent a lot of time being crushed by it, I know there’s not a lot other people said that was welcome by me.
    So I’ve kept to myself.

    However, I so feel that question. How does thinking positive do anything? I struggled with that, against it, for so long. In 2016 a serious relationship ended and I was forced to finally face myself. Nine months it took for me to switch my mindset, and then things happened. I’m not saying all good things. But there was change. I moved to be closer to a support system since I didn’t have one. I struggled to find work for years. Even now I’m not paid a living wage. Bit I have something while I pursue better things.

    It’s so easy to fall back into depression, and it’s a lot of work to claw my way out, but I’d rather fight and pull myself up than wallow, because I know where wallowing, for years, got me. (This is not a slight, or me saying your writing is wallowing, it’s therapy. I write all about my own crap and feelings when I’m in the thick of it and it really helps me.) I still have days that are hard, but since forcing a positive mindset, I get depressed less frequently (like, I have the kind of depression that makes me hurt myself, that rarely happens anymore), and depression doesn’t last as long.

    I think the main issue here is, how do you start? You can’t just be told, hey think good things, and bam, you’re doing it. It took a friend of mine who was honest and blunt with me. Who knocked me down a few pegs to get me to look inward. Mindset is powerful. You’ve said you just want to sleep all the time. That’s your depression mindset. Honestly, I want to sleep all the time too, but I have responsibilities and pets to care for, so I am kinda in a survival mindset right now. Not that that’s even a good thing, but that’s a stressful mindset for me that I need to figure out how to work on.

    Anyway, instead of just saying, hey, you need to think different, I’m here to say hey, while that’s true, maybe you just need to know where to start and no one is helping you with that.

    What are the opposite of your negative thoughts? What can you release so you can heal? There’s so much you’re dealing with that you shouldn’t have to put up with, and your body and mind can’t take anymore. So how do you claw your way out?

    From your tone in your writings, I think you’re a strong person. A smart person. Someone who has a good idea of what they want and aren’t afraid to go for it. Someone who wont let a job make her feel like crap. I respect the crap out of that. And you. Finding your inner strength and changing your mindset are powerful ways to push through stuff. Then again, sometimes we need to just let ourself feel. That’s okay too.

    Hey. You’re doing the best you can. You’re going to be okay. This will pass. Sometimes even those thoughts just help cut yourself a break.

    As an anxious person who isn’t super great at communicating, please know this is me trying to help, so if anything I wrote sounds mean or attacky, it is in no way intentional. I 100% want the best for you, you sound like an amazing person.

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    1. As an anxious person who isn’t super great with accepting help or advice from anyone, thank you for sharing all of this.

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  4. Who the hell is your therapist, Mary effin Poppins?!? What a load of crap. I hope she didn’t charge extra for the crystals laying around the office to balance your energy. Poppycock.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. She’s big into the whole “we make the life we want” mentality. Sadly, when fucking assholes are grabbing hold of your life, there’s no way you can make it what you want.

      Liked by 1 person

    1. I’ve been taking one medication constant since November and tried various medications in conjunction with it, not yet finding the mixture that helps me most.

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  5. No. Blind faith assertions that your situation is going to improve are incredibly dismissive and disheartening to hear. And most importantly— not at all helpful.

    What you DO need is rational reasons and actual evidence for optimism, and steps that can be taken. And at the very least understanding and acceptable by others of what you’re going through.

    My god you are not suffering an internal mental health crisis here, you’re going through a wholly externally-caused, unfair crisis and hell, which others are lucky not to have to experience. It’s so maddening to hear of these interactions.

    “I sat in therapy and listened to a lecture about how to make my situation worse by always planning for the worst-case scenario.”

    The most successful, and resilient people plan for the worst-case scenario. It’s absolutely vital to do especially during a crisis. Please cut all of these abusive people out if possible.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. The abusive people have been screwing me in every way possible using the legal system to do so. I just want to have a judge hear me. Once a judge hears me, I feel like… I just need a judge to hear me.

      Liked by 1 person

  6. This is that manifest positivity in the universe and the universe will pay it back with positivity bullshit. I had a therapist that was into that idea. Completely unhelpful. For a long time I was a pessimist – I always expected the worst. Now I’d like to think that I’m more of a realist – I can identify that the worst might happen, but I can also see that things might just turn out ok. It’s kind of funny though, I can always tell if my mood is shifting based solely on my outlook on life. Being pessimistic? Depression might be setting in. Optimistic? Time to up the antipsychotics.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m like you, I consider myself a realist. I’m not going to pretend good things will happen when everything in life has gone to shit. Why should I? It’s ridiculous to suggest that if you think happy thoughts, happy things will come.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Exactly. That same therapist has me read the Power of Positive thinking. What a bunch of bunk. I never understood how someone in that kind of profession could subscribe to that line of thinking.

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