Depression Diaries – June 14

I like to think that if I had people around I would be happier. The truth is, however, that’s a futile attempt to believe that I can be happier. I’ve come to the realization that I rely too heavily on others to distract me from the fact that I’m depressed. No one is going to fix this for me. I’m not even sure this feeling can be fixed.

Every time I feel that I have something good happen, the moment is fleeting. It’s hard to appreciate anything good when I am so incredibly sad.

Today, I woke up at 11:30 am, which if I am being completely honest, has been early for me to wake up lately. I then went back to bed at 2:00 pm and slept until 9:00 pm. Then I woke up and ate a hamburger and watched the movie Hustle. now it’s midnight and like… what do I do?

So many people have been telling me lately that it’s time I decide what I want to do with my life. It’s funny (not funny, but a figure of speech) that when others have been through their mid-life, or millennial life crises, I’ve been supportive, and when I go through it, I’m told I am lazy, or unrealistic about the world.

It would be nice if my mom would just tell me that she believed in me, instead of how much of a mess I’m making of my life.

It would be nice if I could feel like I was able to accomplish anything without wondering when this fucking court mess will be wrapped up.

It would be nice if I just felt like I was home. Like I belonged. Like I had a place in this world where I was welcome.

Instead, I just feel like I’ve been wandering aimlessly for years and years and years. Trying to find my path. Maybe I’m not meant for a path. Maybe some people are just always lost. Maybe this is just how I get to feel.

I know that I’m particularly sad tonight. I’m aware that tonight has been particularly harder than the past few weeks. I know that I’m going to disappoint a lot of people. I’m scared to hear their judgements.

I don’t even know what I’m talking about right now. It’s 12:23 in the morning and I’m just laying here, in tears, again. I hate this feeling. I just want to feel normal. I just want to be normal. Why am I not normal?

“You’re always going to run into bosses you don’t like.”

Yeah, I know this. I’m not an idiot. But thanks for the twenty-minute lecture that followed.

16 thoughts on “Depression Diaries – June 14

  1. Sending you sooo much ❤️ because I’m there too and being severely depressed is absolutely awful. It is a fresh hell that we have to endure ALONE which makes it 1000 times worse. I want you to know:
    This isn’t your fault
    You are absolutely amazing to not give up
    You are all the colours – allllll of them – even if all you can see around you is grey
    This will be better one day, we just have to wait it out. It’s hard bit I believe in you. You can do it.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. You’ve said and hit on a lot of things here. Some things are just absolutely crucial for our functioning: supportive people around us, sense of community, and daily structure (even loose structure). When your circumstances are fucked like yours, and you’re lacking in goals (understandably) then yes waking and sleeping at random times is inevitable and crushing, and you’ll feel disorientated when waking (on top of everything else). I’ve experienced all of this over the last 5 years, and over the last 3 years my blog (and creative writing) has been crucial for giving me some kind of structure and goal, as well as me finding small ways to help other people out. When I wake at random times, at least I have the blog to go to, as well as the occasional project I might embark on, or looking after my plants.

    This period will result in you discovering a lot of truths like with me I think. Just remain open-minded, and when you are able to find a new direction it’ll make everything a lot easier. But that’s something that just happens whilst you’re surviving, not anything you are obligated to do. You deserve to be able to survive and live in peace before finding that or being able to work again.

    You were struggling before all of this and this court stuff has just been so unfair, such a terrible added weight.

    “So many people have been telling me lately that it’s time I decide what I want to do with my life. It’s funny (not funny, but a figure of speech) that when others have been through their mid-life, or millennial life crises, I’ve been supportive, and when I go through it, I’m told I am lazy, or unrealistic about the world.”

    I experienced and felt exactly this too. Ultimately I went no-contact with all such people, because having to have these thoughts is utterly draining. Cutting off contact is very, very hard when you’re already struggling but was necessary for me at least. Actually I only did so because a good friend told me straight that I should, and I was grateful for it. With my parents it was a much easier decision since they locked me out and disowned me first 😆. Keeping only supportive people in your life is extremely empowering believe me.

    A suggestion: casually listen to some law podcasts. It might be interesting and comforting given your situation, and possibly inspiring somehow. This kind of thing has really helped me. Allow yourself to daydream if possible.

    Liked by 3 people

  3. The lectures. That’s what you don’t need! I guess they make the other person feel better. Hugs. And read Janet’s comment again.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I really wish that I could scoop you up and bring you home. Your feelings are totally valid. When depressed nothing makes sense save for sleeping. I know I used sleep as an escape. Sending you big Manitoba hugs.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Sleeping is an escape in a way. When you’re sleeping, no one is causing you pain. At least that’s how it feels.

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  5. Look back at the positive stuff people are saying. WE believe in you. You are surrounded by love and support. We just can’t reach you to give you hugs. They’re not as good digitally, but they’re all around you. Lean into us, my friend. Find your strength again as you rest in our love. ❤❤🤗🤗🤗

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  6. It’s very disappointing when the people you feel ought to be your main support can’t do it for you. That’s on them, not you and it’s only because they are not able to understand. You have to not be concerned about what they think and I know it’s hard. I always worried what people would think and I only started living for myself after they were all gone which is way too late. You are in the doldrums because of what you went through, are going through. But you will NOT be there forever, even though I know it feels like it. It’s hard to offer advice because we are all different. I found pleasure in just the smallest things. My aunt, who I adored had a really bad time with her husband but she used to look at me sadly and say “this too shall pass.” And it does.

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