Depression Diaries

I don’t have a plan, but I still don’t care.

I don’t know how to pay my bills, but I still don’t care.

I just don’t care.

It’s 1:30 am and I’m very tired, but I don’t want to go to sleep. I know that when I wake up tomorrow, there’ll be more things I just don’t care about.

I have four missed calls in the past 12 hours. I could’ve answered every one of them, I just didn’t want to, because I just don’t care.

I feel as though if I were wealthy, dealing with the things causing my depression would be a lot easier. Right now, I’m so focussed on money that I can’t focus on my depression. The catch 22 is that I am so focussed on trying not to be depressed about the money that I just am not focussing on anything.

Money can’t solve all of my problems, I know that. But if money made some of the problems going away, I probably would be more willing to face the others.

I haven’t left my house in a while. I’ve become a shun-in. What’s the point in going out when the universe is so exhausting? I could simply stay home and not have to deal with the shit the world throws.

My computer has ten percent battery left. The charger is on the kitchen counter and I am in my bedroom. So, perhaps the universe is telling me I need to just go to bed. It’s more than likely I just open my phone and use that for a few hours. Sleep is overrated. I just want to wallow.

26 thoughts on “Depression Diaries

  1. Oh Vee…my heart breaks for you because I’m in a similar boat and it’s absolutely AWUL that depression has its hands around your throat. I understand that feeling of “I JUST DON’T CARE”. Depression robs you of any feeling so you just stare at walls, wondering what your life has become. I’m so sorry, beautiful girl. I know how painful and life-draining this is and I am so proud of you for writing about it and shining a light on something that’s not talked about enough. I’ll be praying for you that it starts to ease soon. Sending you lots of love xx

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you ❤
      This brought a tear to my eye when I read it initially. It was so sweet I didn't even know how to respond. Still don't, really. Just, thank you. ❤

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  2. Maybe if you are so indifferent to the great job offer, it’s not a good time to take it as you may not put the effort in and you don’t want to not be good at it….I seem to think that would matter a lot to you. On the other hand maybe it is what you need so you can change your focus. When we are at a low ebb emotionally everything is a huge effort but sadly depression is no easy thing to master. Only you can know what to do. It’s fine to wallow but don’t drown in it. All said with great sympathy.

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    1. It does matter a lot to me that I do a good job. I’m just so entrenched with the legal system right now I cannot focus on anything else. Thank you for your honesty, I know you speak honesty from a place of care and it means a lot.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Get up, kiddo. Get your charger. Plug it in. Have a shower. Walk around the block. Accept the damn job offer! Do just one thing, any one thing.

    You are strong and capable and loved. If I were there, I would take you gently by the hand and lead you into the light. I’ve been where you are. I know what it feels like not to care. You will prevail!❤🤗🙏

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    1. I still haven’t accepted the job offer, but I did start selling some of my things so that I have less to move. So I am going to count that as something. One thing. I’m going to celebrate that today.

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  4. I’m with Gail on this…just do one thing. And if you’re taking a poll, my vote would be that one thing should be to accept the job.
    If you want a to-do list to check off, the second thing you should do is tell the new employer that if they liked you enough to hire you in a depressive state, just wait til they see you in action at 100%! Y’know, brag a little…because you got hired when you didn’t care about getting hired, that’s no small feat!

    Liked by 2 people

      1. I think you got you on this. I’ll sign up to be your placebo life coach, though! But I’m taking no credit! I’m doing no work, you’re doing it all!

        Liked by 1 person

  5. Sometimes, what we think won’t for you, work out for you. You should give it a try to the job offer. As you said you need money and nothing can give a stable income than a job. Sometimes, opportunities don’t come again and we regret later about missed opportunities.

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  6. Contrary to everyone else, I don’t suggest thinking about jobs. Your mental and physical health have to be the priority, come what may. There’s no point making yourself suicidal pointlessly, when you already know your limits.

    Continue communicating with family and friends, and just do what you can and don’t judge or blame yourself, or try not to. You just need to survive and try to focus on one thing at a time. Need to find out what help is available to solve your needs including legal costs. Of course, in the process you’ll run down any savings you still have, which itself is a fucking horrible experience, I know. You have to narrow your perspective to the shorter-term.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. I’m not apologizing for how I’ve been lately. I just am who I am. I hope one day I’ll feel better. Until then, I am just going to wallow.

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    1. Money might not buy happiness, but it can solve a lot of problems, and when you have less problems, it’s probably easier to be able to see the good in the world.

      Liked by 1 person

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