Depression.

I didn’t wake up until 1:30 pm on Sunday.

I wasn’t tired. Not a sleepy tired, anyway. I just didn’t feel like facing the world. My blinds were closed, my bedroom door was locked, my phone was dead and I just really didn’t feel like moving.

These days I feel as though all of the energy has been drained from my body. Walking upstairs seems like an arduous task. Doing simple things like going to the grocery store has become something I need to hype myself up all week for.

My mom keeps asking me what’s wrong, and telling me that I just need to be happier. I know she doesn’t really understand what this feeling is, so I am trying to not hold it against her. It’s hard to explain it to people. It’s hard to try and make someone understand. If I could just be happy, I would.

I’ve been wearing the same clothes for three days. Is that gross? Possibly. I haven’t done anything or been anywhere, though. Changing my clothes just seems like an unnecessary task when all I do is lay on the couch.

I have showered. I didn’t want to. But I did it.

I’ve had this headache for about 7 months now that I just cannot shake. It’s there when I go to sleep, it’s there when I wake up. It’s just always there.

My best friend has had some incredible things happen in her life in the past few weeks and I’ve really struggled with it. I want to be happy for her, I want to celebrate with her, I want to hype her up and be that best friend I am supposed to be. I just feel… indifferent. Instead of feeling the joy of seeing my best friend succeed, I am feeling nothing. Nothing at all. That sucks.

I haven’t been eating well. I know I should be eating better, but I just… don’t care. I’d rather eat potato chips than a balanced meal right now.

I need to start packing. I need to move out of this place at the end of the month. Do I care? Not really. I’m probably going to pack everything on June 29th.

I’ve been looking for a job and I just… can’t be bothered to deal with the bullshit recruiters are spewing. “Hey Vee, book a time in my calendar”. No thanks. If you’re interested in hiring me, you can book a time in my calendar, bitch. “Hey Vee, can you please submit a video of yourself speaking so that we can judge your verbal communication skills.” No thanks. If you’d like to judge my verbal communication skills for a job where verbal communication skills are not needed then pick up your fucking phone and call me. “Hey Vee, take our aptitude test. It should take 30 mins.” No thanks. As one of 130 people who applied for this position, I have zero desire to waste 30 minutes of my life until after you prove I’ve been shortlisted to a much smaller candidate pool. You want me to invest in you? Give me a reason.

It’s 1:00 am right now and I have zero desire to go to bed. That’s possibly because I’ve been up less than 12 hours, but more likely just because if I go to sleep then I have to wake up and deal with the universe again tomorrow.

When someone asks me if I am okay, I tell them I am. Truthfully, I am okay. I just hate my present situation. I’m pretty resilient and I know this will pass, but I just need time to stew in misery. I just need to be able to acknowledge that shit sucks. I just need time. That and money. But that’s true of everyone.

I haven’t done the dishes. Why bother? Just grab another plate from the cupboard and deal with the full sink another time. This is weird for me because I’m normally a very clean person. But I’ve been looking at the mess lately and I just don’t care. The mess will still be there tomorrow. My trash will still smell like rotten food tomorrow. Things are just things. Clean. Dirty. Who cares?

People need to stop telling me they’re worried about me. Of all things in this life, giving up is not something I am capable of. I just need… time. I need time to sit and stew. I need the freedom to be able to be honest about what it’s really like living with depression. I need to just sink into the couch like it’s a pile of quicksand and stay there.

I don’t want to put on makeup. I don’t want to put on a bra. I don’t want to answer my phone. I don’t want to deal with someone else’s issues, I’ve got too many of my own. I don’t want to eat. I don’t want to sleep. I don’t want to… do anything.

I don’t have any tolerance for bullshit. I don’t have any desire to ‘be there’ for someone right now. There’s no way I can be there for someone else when I cannot even be there for myself.

Depression hits different.

33 thoughts on “Depression.

  1. I can’t put into words how relatable and accurate your situation is compared to mine. Thank you for sharing. I hope this passes and that your depression eases up soon. It is hard to explain this to others who can’t relate, but your empathy toward your mom is inspiring.

    Liked by 4 people

  2. “I need the freedom to be able to be honest about what it’s really like living with depression.”

    Hits home in a lot of ways. Depression sucks. I know what it’s like not wanting to clean or do anything. Because why bother? A bag of smelly trash will still be a bag of smelly trash tomorrow. What is the point of anything, really? Awake at 2:30am is the norm for me. I get the not wanting to sleep and having to wake up the next day to face the music again. Sometimes it’s better to just stay awake and just… be.

    Liked by 3 people

  3. Yes, I love when people tell you you should be happy, or “snap out of it” or “you just feel sorry for yourself”. How lucky are people who do not know depression. “Oh”, they will say “of course I do. Everyone gets depressed!” Everyone has down days. But everyone does not suffer with depression and no, they can’t understand. You are really into it right now, clearly, and it’s hardly surprising. You deserve the time to wallow and let it wash over you. In the end you will get tired of it and tell it to go away. It just really sucks in the meantime. I hope it all resolves soon.

    Liked by 3 people

  4. This is all normal. Allow yourself the time out and you’ll know when it’s enough. No, you can’t be there for others in the way you normally would. Those that know you and care about you understand.

    Oh, I so relate to the job hunt stuff. Last week I wrote about some of my experiences on LinkedIn. I regret some of the info I gave out for free. I did enjoy scheduling myself, though. I liked going through their calendar and being in control of setting the time.

    Hang in there. You took a shower – most of us don’t! You’ll eventually making a path to your normal self and woe to those who get in your way!

    Liked by 3 people

    1. I just feel like in this market when everyone is complaining about not having qualified talent, if they’re really interested in a candidate, why can’t they schedule the appointment?

      Liked by 1 person

  5. You expressed it all perfectly.

    Weirdly we have exactly the same move out date. I too cannot deal with thinking about it until it happens.

    The point you are at feels so similar in lots of ways to me in Autumn 2017, with the recruiters, jobs stuff, and it all being irrelevant suddenly.

    “I need the freedom to be able to be honest about what it’s really like living with depression.”

    Crucial stuff :).

    The stuff with your best friend is very difficult, and I know what you mean. For me it emphasised how disconnected we all really are, when one person’s fortunes have no effect on another even with close relationships, due to isolation. It’s like we are living on islands and though we mean well, we are not really sharing anything important.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. The headache is more a proverbial pounding due to a pretentious asshat who needs to remove themself from my life and let me live my own life.

      Liked by 3 people

  6. Hey Vee, I understand exactly what you are going through. I myself struggle with accepting certain things. I know right now doesnt feel okay. Don’t ever judge yourself for being human. Like Jessie J, It’s okay not to be okay. I can feel that Beautiful Soul of yours reaching out. Your not alone. I believe you have the Strength and Courage to be the best you, that you can be. Stay Shining

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Thank you for this sweet, incredibly kind comment. It brought two tears to my eyes as I read it and I cannot even begin to describe how much I needed it this evening.

      Liked by 2 people

  7. relatable. .. perhaps your job hunt and your depression are linked? i know when i have to job hunt it makes me want to die. i think it has something to do with the dehumanization of being arbitrarily forced to beg to be contractually bound to a soulless construct whose purpose is to collect human life-energy and pass it upwards to collect uselessly at the top of a hierarchy, where it will be hoarded and measured against other energy collections in a massive idiotic game of monopoly that uses human lives as playing pieces and our suffering as currency.

    Liked by 6 people

    1. My depression is largely related to some ongoing legal issues I’m dealing with. Sadly, the job hunt has only added to the frustration I am feeling these days. Your description of job hunting is pretty freaking spot on, though. Reading this made me want to clap for you and yell ‘YAAAAS’ your direction.

      Liked by 2 people

  8. Hugging you, V from all the way in Perth WA. I so relate to everything you’re going through. Depression is absolutely awful and makes even the smallest things seem too overwhelming. You are existing and that is enough. You are wonderful and you’re navigating through really hard things with so much grace. I’m so proud of you xx

    Liked by 1 person

  9. I find that medication helps. It’s not for everyone but I’m pro-antideppressnt. And it doesn’t make everything better but makes me more functional

    Like

      1. I wish there was a magic pill. Therapy helps too but not all therapist fit all people. It’s hard to find the right fit for the right time.

        Liked by 1 person

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