Life, lately.

Well, court didn’t work out the way that I wanted it to.

I think that my lawyer finally understood the extent of what I’ve been dealing with shortly before court the other morning. I’m not sure if he didn’t believe me, or if he just tried to ignore what I was sharing to not be involved. Regardless, he saw it on full display on Thursday morning and he finally, truly understands.

In other news, my house sold. It actually was the third set of people to look at the house last weekend that wound up putting in an offer. Pending the lawyers/banks all signing on the right dotted lines, someone will take possession of this house shortly after I move out. One less thing for me to worry about, having strangers wander through my space. One less thing for my landlord to worry about, owning this house. One less thing to remember about 2022.

Lately, I’ve been thinking about how for a really long time in my life I put up with shitty treatment because I believed that if I was a better person, people might treat me better. The truth is, that’s probably one of my most toxic traits – thinking it’s my own fault that someone doesn’t treat me right. Being treated poorly is not a reflection of yourself, it’s a reflection of the individual treating you like shit. Furthermore, being treated properly is not too much to ask for. Actually, it should be the bare minimum provided to you. THE BARE MINIMUM.

My brother spent a few days here with me last week. One of the things that he said to me while he was here really surprised me. He told me that I was the most protective person he’s ever known. He told me that ever since he can remember, I’ve been the one fixing things for him, for all of my brothers and for our whole family. He said if shit ever hit the fan in his life, he’d be calling me because he knows that no matter how bad the world might seem, I will always approach every situation with the sense of calm and logic needed to solve anything. We actually talked for a few hours one night and he brought up some many memories from when we were kids that I’d forgotten all about – times he said I fixed things, times he said that he knew I would come to the rescue without even needing to be asked.

This whole conversation came about because I’ve been so quiet with friends and family about what I’ve been going through. He says he thinks my desire to fix things it’s both my greatest strength, and my greatest weakness – strength because I never back down, no matter how hard things get, and weakness because I walk through this life believing I have to do everything on my own.

I guess he’s not wrong. I have had some incredible friends listening to every horror I’ve been through. But, so far as facing this, I’ve largely been doing it on my own. Who knows, maybe there is someone out there who wants to help. Maybe one day. I guess I should be more open to people. It’s just hard right now.

Anyways.

I’m spending the rest of my weekend looking for a new job. Hopefully I can find one that takes a little less brainpower than what I was doing last time. But, hopefully it is a job that offers me enough money to be able to pay my bills. Cross your fingers for me.

22 thoughts on “Life, lately.

  1. It’s probably not what you imagined, but things are progressing and maybe now you can see a way forward that is less demanding for a while. Time to de-compress and allow your brothers to look after you. I’m so glad you had such a good talk . No need for you to be tough all the time!!! Something totally unexpected will come up and surprise you…something good! Wishing you the best.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you ❤
      I hope things are progressing. Some days it seems like all we're doing is going backwards. Hopefully at some point I'm free from this mess! Until then, I need to chill. I think you're so right.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. It’s getting harder as the surgery date for Doug’s eye gets closer (26th). My mind goes to the worst possible outcome, losing the eye, or losing some of the vision. I somehow imagine that you will understand that!

        Liked by 1 person

  2. “Being treated poorly is not a reflection of yourself, it’s a reflection of the individual treating you like shit.”

    THIS. I’ve been saying this from the beginning, and it’s so nice to see you finally get it.

    Pieces of shit may leave their stench after they’re gone, but it dissipates over time until they’re just shitty memories you laugh at. And one day you’ll be laughing at the joke he is.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Yes, you have been saying this to me all along. It’s not that I didn’t believe you, it’s just that I’ve been so bogged down with all of this shit that it’s hard for me to see straight some days… ya know?

      Hopefully I get this resolved, one day.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I do the same thing – assume that if I was better, I’d be treated better. It’s a hard habit to break, and one I still struggle with.

    I wish I could tell you that things get better, easier. It won’t happen right away. But you have to help that it will, eventually. Or you could win the lottery and solve some of your bigger problems a lot easier.

    Good luck on the job hunt. I know how not fun it is.

    I really hope that everything starts turning a corner for you soon.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. It is a really hard habit to break. I’m really sorry you have to deal with the same feeling. It’s not a fun feeling to have.

      Like

      1. It isn’t. But it’s fixable. I’ve come a long way in the last two years since I started regular therapy.

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  4. You’ve gone through so much in this past half year, and I can’t fathom just how you’ve gone through all of this. You are an incredibly-strong person, and you are also selfless. Being protective and helping others are admirable traits to have, but I also agree that it’s important to put yourself first and not to be afraid to ask for help when it gets tough. Might be difficult, depending on whom you surround yourself with, but there will be those out there who are good and supportive of you. Best wishes to your job search and to everything else going forward, V.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you for this. Your kindness is appreciated. I agree that it’s important to put yourself first and not be afraid to ask for help.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Your brother is totally right. One thing I suspect he was trying to make sure you knew is that as you gave him strength, he’s available to do the same for you. It truly is a privilege to stand by our people when they go through the stuff that happens in life. Good and bad. I hate the idea that so many do it alone. I have a tendency to tackle things on my own, but am constantly reminded that I have community. Family and friends who are willing to reinforce my capability. Because I am strong, but sometimes I get to lean on them. It’s a good feeling. For me and them. Go ahead and freefall in their arms if you need it. Or just to remind yourself yiu’re not in this alone.

    Good luck in your job hunt!

    Liked by 2 people

  6. The protecting thing I’ve always done that too for anyone I have a good relationship with. I’m very protective towards my younger brother and good friends, two of whom needed protecting from narcissists.

    I totally understand this. It’s something you don’t choose to do. Can easily imagine your brother saying that!

    Liked by 1 person

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